The research · 7 min read

When Do Couples Stop Having Sex?

Four numbers that reliably surprise a room full of therapists — and what each one should change about how you read your own relationship.

Written and clinically reviewed by Vanessa Cushing, LPC, NCC, MS — AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, licensed in Virginia & Florida. The Cushing Counseling team covers Virginia, DC, Maryland & Florida.

1. It usually happens early, not late

The intuitive answer is after twenty years, or after the first baby, or after sixty-five. The clinical answer is the first two years.

Couples who do not talk about their feelings early can lose closeness quickly, right after committing. Nothing dramatic has to happen; the conversation simply never starts, and avoidance sets before anyone notices it forming.

2. It is far more common than people assume

Cohabiting couples tend to transition into a non-sexual pattern faster than married peers. Sexual intimacy fluctuates over time in almost every long relationship; a non-sexual phase is a common episode, not an exotic diagnosis. Knowing the baseline is what lets couples stop treating themselves as uniquely broken.

3. Sex matters — in proportion

Sexuality is estimated to contribute roughly 15–20% to overall marital satisfaction (McCarthy, 1999). Use that figure against all-or-nothing thinking: "if our sex life is not perfect, our marriage is failing" is not supported.

The paradox is the other half of the same research: when intimacy is dysfunctional or conflicted, it can account for 50–75% of relationship distress. Working sexuality is a stabiliser; broken sexuality is a dominant stressor.

4. Who actually withdraws

In heterosexual couples who become non-sexual, the withdrawal from sexual activity is attributed to the male partner around 90% of the time — the opposite of the cultural script.

Clinically this matters because the higher-desire partner in the room is frequently the woman, and she has usually spent years being told her experience is unusual. It is not.

What to do with these numbers

• Normalise, then act. Common does not mean acceptable to you.
• Look at the first two years of your relationship for the conversation that never happened.
• Treat the cycle rather than the frequency — see the pursue–withdraw cycle.
• Rebuild the middle range of touch before renegotiating intercourse.

Frequently asked questions

Keep reading

• Desire Discrepancy Therapy — Mismatched desire is the most common reason couples come to sex therapy. Here is how it is actually treated.
• The Pursue–Withdraw Desire Cycle — Pursuit → pressure → avoidance → rejection → more pursuit, and how to interrupt it.
• The Poisons of Sexual Desire — Anger, guilt, inhibition, fear, shame and anxiety — named, and then worked with as a team.
• The 5 Gears of Touch — A shared language for touch, from affectionate to intercourse, that takes the pass/fail out of sex.

Also on this site

• Meet the team — Who you would actually be sitting with.
• Fees & FAQs — Rates and what a session costs.
• Schedule a free consultation — Fifteen minutes, no cost, no pressure.
• Couples therapy — When the issue is the relationship, not only the bedroom.

Clinical resources this page draws on

• McCarthy (1999) — Marital style and its effects on sexual desire and functioning — Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 10(3), 1–12. Source of the 15–20% and 50–75% figures used on these pages.
• McCarthy & McCarthy — Rekindling Desire (3rd ed., Routledge, 2020) — The couple-oriented desire model this cluster teaches from, including the poisons and the gears of touch.
• Emond et al. (2024) — Addressing sexual issues in couples seeking relationship therapy — Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 39(1), 115–130. Why low desire and discrepancy top the list of presenting concerns.
• AASECT — Find a certified sex therapist — Useful if you are outside Virginia, D.C., Maryland or Florida.