In the press · Woman's World · 5 min read
Orgasms in Midlife: Why They Change, and What Actually Helps
Woman's World asked Vanessa Cushing how orgasms change in midlife. Her answer: they often get quieter, they may need more direct touch, and for some women they stop arriving at all for a while. None of that means your body is broken.
Written and clinically reviewed by Vanessa Cushing, LPC, NCC, MS — AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, licensed in Virginia & Florida. The Cushing Counseling team covers Virginia, DC, Maryland & Florida.
The short answer
In midlife, orgasms often take longer, may need more direct or intense stimulation, and can feel different. Vanessa Cushing told Woman's World that “orgasms can feel quieter, less of a peak and more of a release,” and that “some women experience anorgasmia for the first time, meaning they can’t climax no matter how aroused they get.” These changes are common and usually workable.
Book a free 15-minute consultation
If your orgasms have changed and it's bothering you, a free 15-minute consultation is an easy, private place to start.
What Woman's World asked
Woman's World ran a piece on how to have more, and better, orgasms in midlife. They asked a menopause and sexuality educator, a physician, and Vanessa Cushing, LPC, NCC, MS, AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist and founder of Cushing Counseling, what actually changes, and what women can do about it.
Vanessa's part of the article was about the change itself: what it feels like when an orgasm you've known for decades starts behaving differently.
Orgasms can get quieter
“Orgasms can feel quieter, less of a peak and more of a release,” she told Woman's World.
A lot of women read that as loss. It doesn't have to be. A quieter orgasm is still an orgasm, and many women find the slower build and softer finish pleasurable in its own way once they stop comparing it to how things felt at 30.
Vanessa also noted that the kind of touch you need may change. In midlife, stimulation often needs to be more direct or more intense to get to the same place. That's not you doing something wrong. It's the conditions changing, and it's useful information to share with a partner.
When orgasm stops happening
“Some women experience anorgasmia for the first time, meaning they can’t climax no matter how aroused they get,” she said.
That can be scary, especially if orgasm has always come easily. Women often assume it's permanent, or that something is wrong with them, or that their relationship is in trouble. Usually it's none of those things. It's a change with causes, and causes can be looked at one by one.
Common contributors include hormonal shifts around perimenopause and menopause, vaginal dryness or pain that makes the body brace, some medications (antidepressants are a well-known example), stress, poor sleep, and the pressure that builds once you start watching for an orgasm instead of feeling what's happening. If something changed suddenly, it's worth a conversation with your doctor too. Please don't stop or change any medication on your own.
What the other experts suggested
The rest of the article is full of practical ideas from the other two experts, and they're good ones. Lasara Firefox Allen, MSW, suggested unhurried solo exploration with lube and no goal of orgasm, plus gentle pelvic floor work where the release matters as much as the squeeze. Dr. Toubi suggested a vibrator, started on a low setting, and a plain, fragrance-free water- or silicone-based lubricant whenever friction gets in the way.
You can read all five tips in the original Woman's World article, linked below.
Where sex therapy fits
Tips help most when the only thing that's changed is the body. Often it isn't. A woman who hasn't had an orgasm in a year may also be carrying worry, embarrassment, or a partner who's started taking it personally. That's where sex therapy helps.
In sessions we sort out what's physical and what's pressure, help you talk to your partner without it turning into a verdict on the relationship, and build a sex life where orgasm isn't the only thing that counts. Often, taking the pressure off is what brings it back.
Nothing physical happens in sex therapy. It's a conversation. And we work alongside your doctor or a pelvic floor physical therapist when that's part of the picture.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for orgasms to change in midlife?
Yes. Orgasms often take longer, may need more direct stimulation, and can feel less intense. As Vanessa Cushing told Woman's World, they can feel “quieter, less of a peak and more of a release.”
What is anorgasmia?
Anorgasmia means being unable to reach orgasm despite enough arousal and stimulation. Some women experience it for the first time in midlife. It's common and often treatable.
Why can't I orgasm anymore after menopause?
There's rarely one reason. Hormonal changes, dryness or pain, some medications, stress, sleep and performance pressure can all play a part. Talk to your doctor about the physical side, and consider a sex therapist for the rest.
Can a sex therapist help with orgasm problems?
Yes. Sex therapy helps separate the physical from the emotional, lowers the pressure that makes orgasm harder, and helps you and a partner talk about it without blame. It's talk therapy — nothing physical happens in session.
How do I start?
Book a free 15-minute consultation. You tell us what's changed, and we map out what would help.
Keep reading
- About Vanessa Cushing, LPC, NCC, MS — AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, licensed in Virginia and Florida; the Cushing Counseling team covers Virginia, D.C., Maryland and Florida.
- Press & Publications — Every outlet that has quoted or published her.
- Sex Therapy — How the work runs, and what it costs.
- Vaginismus and painful sex — When pain is part of why sex has changed.
Also on this site
Clinical resources this page draws on
- Woman's World — 5 Ways To Have More—and Better!—Orgasms in Midlife — The original feature, with Vanessa's comments and all five tips.
- AASECT — Find a certified sex therapist — The certifying body's directory, if you are looking outside our licensed states.
Next step
Not sure where to start? Take the free 6-question assessment, or book a 15-minute consultation.
