Sexual Teamwork: How Couples Build Intimacy Together
One of Barry McCarthy’s most influential contributions to sex therapy is the concept of sexual teamwork.
Rather than viewing sexual difficulties as one partner’s problem, sexual teamwork frames intimacy as a shared, collaborative process.
This shift alone can dramatically reduce shame, blame, and defensiveness in relationships.
Moving Away From the “Problem Partner” Model
Many couples enter therapy believing:
One partner has “too much” desire
The other has “not enough”
Someone needs to be fixed
Sexual teamwork challenges this model.
Desire differences are not character flaws.
They are relational dynamics shaped by stress, health, emotions, and context.
What Sexual Teamwork Looks Like
Sexual teamwork involves:
Shared responsibility for intimacy
Mutual respect for boundaries
Open communication about needs
Flexibility across life stages
Prioritizing pleasure over obligation
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you?”
The question becomes, “How do we adapt together?”
Why Teamwork Reduces Pressure
When one partner carries responsibility for initiating, maintaining, or “fixing” sex, pressure builds—and desire often drops.
Teamwork spreads responsibility evenly, allowing both partners to:
Feel less blamed
Stay emotionally connected
Engage more authentically
Reduce anxiety around sex
This creates conditions where desire can re-emerge naturally.
Therapy and Sexual Teamwork
In therapy, couples often learn how to:
Interrupt pursue–withdraw cycles
Communicate without pressure
Normalize desire variability
Rebuild trust and safety
Create intimacy that works for both partners
Sexual teamwork doesn’t eliminate challenges—but it makes them manageable.
