Sex Files: Vanessa Cushing in the News
In the press · Toronto Sun · 5 min read
Digital Divorce: Why Handing Back the Passwords Matters as Much as the Keys
Vanessa Cushing was asked by the Toronto Sun's Sex Files column why so many of us keep an ex's logins long after the boxes are unpacked. The honest answer is that most people can't tell whether they're staying connected or keeping watch.
Written and clinically reviewed by Vanessa Cushing, LPC, NCC, MS — AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, licensed in Virginia, DC, Maryland & Florida.
The short answer
A digital divorce is the step most people skip after a breakup: revoking the shared passwords, location sharing and device access that outlast the relationship. Vanessa Cushing told the Toronto Sun that retained access is sometimes about control and sometimes about attachment — and because most people can't tell which, the access has to be removed rather than relied on for self-restraint.
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What the Toronto Sun asked
The Sex Files column at the Toronto Sun ran a piece on what relationship experts have started calling digital divorce: the unglamorous work of separating two lives that were entangled through streaming logins, shared cloud storage, location sharing, smart-home apps, recovery emails and saved cards. The writer opened with her own version of it — a streaming account she kept sharing with an ex for two years, until he added his new girlfriend as a user.
Vanessa Cushing, LPC, NCC, MS, AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist and founder of Cushing Counseling, was asked the question underneath the logistics: given the risks, why do so many people drag their heels on it?
Two very different reasons people keep the access
“For some people, retained access is about control — a way to keep monitoring, influencing, or having leverage over an ex-partner even after the relationship has ended, sometimes consciously and sometimes not,” she told the paper.
But that is not the only story, and it is not the most common one. “Checking a location or a streaming ‘recently watched’ list can be a way of staying tethered to someone when the brain and body haven’t caught up to the fact that the relationship is over,” she said. In clinical terms, that is attachment doing what attachment does. The relationship ended on paper long before the nervous system agreed to it, and a small piece of digital access becomes a way to check that the person still exists.
The difficulty is the part she said next: most people cannot cleanly identify which camp they are in. “Which is part of why the access needs to be removed rather than relied on for self-restraint,” she said. Willpower is a poor security setting. Revoking access is a good one.
Co-parents are a real exception — with a line in it
There is a third scenario the article named, and it is not a loophole. Co-parents often keep some digital connection intact on purpose, because logistics require it. A shared calendar, a shared photo album, a family location setting the children know about — those can be reasonable.
What changes the picture is whether anyone in it feels watched. Sharing a streaming password is not the same thing as tracking an ex-partner’s movements, or a child’s, without their knowledge. Once access is being used to know things about someone who did not agree to be known that way, it has stopped being a convenience.
The one question worth asking yourself
For anyone wondering whether their own digital lingering has crossed a line, Vanessa offered the Toronto Sun a single test: “Would the other person be comfortable if they knew exactly what you were doing with the access right now?”
It is deliberately simple, because the honest answer arrives faster than any justification does. If the answer is no — even when the intention was never malicious — that is the signal to cut the digital cord, for their sake and for yours.
When cutting ties is a safety issue, not an admin task
The advice above assumes a breakup between two people who can both be trusted with the other’s whereabouts. Not every breakup is that.
If a partner has monitored you before, expressed possessiveness about where you are, or reacted badly to earlier attempts at independence, then abruptly revoking access can itself provoke escalation. In the article, Vanessa recommends working with a domestic abuse advocate who can advise on how to cut digital ties safely — sequencing which accounts change first, what gets documented, and what to expect afterwards.
That is not a therapy referral in the first instance. It is a safety-planning referral, and it comes before the password manager.
A practical order of operations
If safety is not a concern, the mechanics are straightforward once you stop treating them as optional. Cybersecurity guidance in the same article suggests securing accounts in tiers rather than all at once, starting with the ones that control the others.
- Email first — it is the recovery route into everything else. New password, then check the recovery phone, recovery email and any forwarding rules.
- Financial and shopping accounts — new passwords, remove saved cards and stored addresses, and check for saved payment methods you no longer recognise.
- Multi-factor authentication and device PINs — update them, and remove any authenticator or trusted device that is no longer yours.
- Location sharing — turn it off in every app that has it, not just the obvious one.
- Smart-home and shared devices — revoke access to cameras, doorbells, locks, speakers and thermostats, and check who is still listed as a household member.
- Streaming and cloud storage — sign out of all devices, then change the password so old sessions cannot renew themselves.
What this looks like in therapy
Clients rarely arrive saying they need help with a password. They arrive saying they cannot stop checking. The checking is the symptom worth working with — the tab that keeps getting opened at eleven at night, the location that gets refreshed on the way home, the ache that follows and the shame that follows the ache.
The work is not to shame the impulse out of existence. It is to make the ending real to a body that is still organised around the relationship, and to build the tolerance for not knowing. Removing the access is what makes that work possible; it is not a substitute for it.
That is also why breakup work so often turns into sex and intimacy work. What gets built during a long entanglement — how you were touched, what you assumed about being wanted, what you learned to overlook — does not exit with the furniture.
Frequently asked questions
What is a digital divorce?
It is the process of undoing the digital entanglement of a relationship after it ends: changing passwords and recovery details, turning off location sharing, updating multi-factor authentication and device PINs, removing shared payment cards, signing out of all devices, and revoking access to smart-home technology and cloud storage.
Is it really a problem to share a streaming account with an ex?
On its own, often not. The risk is that a streaming login is rarely the only thing still shared, and that a 'recently watched' list can quietly become a way of monitoring someone. If the shared account is functioning as a tether rather than a convenience, that is the part worth looking at.
How do I know if my checking has crossed a line?
Vanessa Cushing's test, as published in the Toronto Sun: would the other person be comfortable if they knew exactly what you were doing with the access right now? If the answer is no, it is time to remove the access, regardless of your intentions.
Can co-parents keep sharing accounts and locations?
Yes, when everyone involved knows about it and agrees to it. The line is consent and comfort: once the access makes an ex-partner or a child feel watched, pressured or fearful, it is no longer a shared arrangement.
What if my ex has monitored me before?
Then treat cutting digital ties as a safety plan rather than an errand. Working with a domestic abuse advocate first is what the article recommends, because they can advise on the order to do things in and what to expect once access disappears. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
Can therapy help with the compulsive checking after a breakup?
Yes. Post-breakup checking is usually an attachment response rather than a character flaw, and it responds well to work that combines nervous-system regulation with honest boundaries. A free 15-minute consultation is the place to describe what is happening and hear how the work would run.
Keep reading
- About Vanessa Cushing, LPC, NCC, MS — AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, licensed in Virginia, D.C., Maryland and Florida.
- Press & Publications — Every outlet that has quoted or published her.
- Couples Therapy — For relationships that are still in the room.
- Sex Therapy — The main service page.
Also on this site
Clinical resources this page draws on
- Toronto Sun — Digital divorce: Hand back the keys and passwords after you breakup — The original Sex Files column, including Vanessa's full comments.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline — 24/7 support and safety planning — 1-800-799-7233.
Next step
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