Does Porn Mislead Men About What Women Want in Bed? What One Survey Found
Research, read by a sex therapist · 7 min read
Does Porn Mislead Men About What Women Want in Bed? What One Survey Found
Researcher Aella asked over 6,000 people to test a popular claim: that porn teaches men to guess wrong about women. The answer was more surprising — and more useful — than either side expects.
Written and clinically reviewed by Vanessa Cushing, LPC, NCC, MS — AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, licensed in Virginia & Florida. The Cushing Counseling team covers Virginia, DC, Maryland & Florida.
The short answer
In researcher Aella’s 2023 survey, men’s average guesses about what women would enjoy were close — within about 4 points on a 100-point scale — but individual men were typically 15–16 points off in one direction or the other. Men who watched more violent porn guessed women would like rough acts more, a small-to-medium effect. In short: porn shifts guesses a little, guesses are often wrong for the particular person in front of you, and asking is still the only reliable method.
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The claim being tested
A common argument goes like this: porn shows rough or degrading sex, so men who watch it come to believe women want that, and then try it on real partners without asking. In May 2023 the independent researcher Aella set out to test it on her Substack, Knowingless.
Her design was simple. Men were asked to imagine the third time having sex with a new partner they get along with, and to rate on a 0–100 slider how much she would like each of 42 acts — from long foreplay and kissing to slapping and choking. Women were given the same scenario and the same list, and rated how much they would actually like each one. Then she compared the two, and checked whether men’s porn habits changed how accurate they were.
Who took the survey
5,394 people came from Aella’s own following (88% male), and she paid for 878 more through the survey service Positly (48% male) to check her audience against a broader one. The survey was limited to straight, cis respondents, and sponsored by Albert Wenger.
She is clear that her own followers are not typical: the women who follow her were younger, more liberal and reported more sexual partners than the paid women. She weighted the two groups to balance them. Even so, this is one online survey, not a national study, and the figures below are hers.
What she found
Aella’s own conclusion: yes, porn nudges men’s guesses, especially toward rougher acts — but that nudge doesn’t clearly make them less accurate, partly because some women do enjoy those acts. She also notes the direction is unclear: a man may watch violent porn because he already believes women like it.
- On average, men were close. The biggest average gap between men’s guesses and women’s answers was about 4 points out of 100.
- Individually, men were much less accurate: the typical man was 15–16 points off, in one direction or the other.
- Men slightly underestimated how much women would enjoy things overall — including some of the rougher acts.
- How often a man watched porn barely mattered. The strongest link (r = 0.12) explained about 1.4% of the difference between men.
- What a man watched mattered more. Men who said more of their porn was violent were more likely to predict women would enjoy face-slapping, spitting, choking and degrading talk — correlations around 0.2, explaining up to about 4.8%.
- Women who watched more porn themselves reported liking rougher acts more. Against the women who watched porn daily, men underestimated by about 8 points.
What this means in a real bedroom
The headline “men guess about right on average” is easy to misread. An average across thousands of women tells you nothing about the one you are with. A typical miss of 15 points is the difference between “she’d like that” and “she wouldn’t” for a lot of acts on the list.
Women’s answers also varied enormously. Some women in the survey wanted much more intensity than men assumed; others wanted much less. Porn, a past partner or a friend’s story can all give you a starting guess. None of them can tell you where this person falls.
That is the real finding for couples: the question is not whether your guess came from porn. It is whether you are guessing at all.
A note on choking
Choking was one of the acts where porn habits moved men’s guesses most, and it is the one we most want readers to slow down on. Pressure on the neck can cause harm even when it is light and even when it is wanted. It should never be a surprise. If it is something you or a partner want to explore, talk about it first, agree on a clear way to stop, and consider talking to a sex therapist or doctor about the risks.
How to stop guessing
Asking does not have to kill the mood. Most couples find a short, specific conversation outside the bedroom easier than checking in mid-act. A few ways in:
- Make a “yes / no / maybe” list separately, then compare only the yeses and maybes.
- Ask about one thing at a time: “Is there anything you’ve wanted to try that we haven’t?”
- Share what you’ve seen and are curious about, and ask how it lands, rather than trying it to find out.
- Agree on a simple word or signal for “slow down” and one for “stop.”
- Check in afterwards: what worked, what to keep, what to skip.
When to get help
Sometimes the tension isn’t really about one act. It can be a partner who feels compared to porn, a gap in what each of you wants, shame about your own preferences, or porn use that feels out of your control. These are some of the most common things people bring to sex therapy, and they respond well to it, individually or as a couple.
Frequently asked questions
Does watching porn make men think women like rough sex?
A little, in Aella’s survey. How often a man watched porn barely mattered, but men who watched more violent porn predicted women would enjoy rough acts more. The effect was small to medium, and the cause could run either way.
Are men bad at guessing what women want in bed?
On average across many women, men in this survey were close. For any one woman, they were usually well off — about 15–16 points on a 100-point scale. Averages don’t predict a particular partner.
Is it okay to try something I saw in porn with a partner?
It can be, if you ask first. Bring it up outside the bedroom, describe what you’re curious about, and let your partner say yes, no or maybe without pressure. Never introduce choking or other risky acts as a surprise.
How do I talk to my partner about what we like in bed?
Keep it short and specific, pick a relaxed time, and try a yes/no/maybe list you each fill out on your own. A sex therapist can help if the conversation keeps stalling.
Can sex therapy help with porn-related problems in a relationship?
Yes. Sex therapists work with mismatched expectations, comparison, shame and porn use that feels out of control, with individuals and couples.
Keep reading
- About Vanessa Cushing, LPC, NCC, MS — AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, licensed in Virginia and Florida; the Cushing Counseling team covers Virginia, D.C., Maryland and Florida.
- Types of porn users — Not all porn use looks the same — or causes the same problems.
- Problematic porn use — When porn starts to feel out of your control.
- Is porn addiction real? — What the research and clinicians actually say.
- Sex Therapy — For mismatched desire and expectations.
Also on this site
Clinical resources this page draws on
- Aella — “Is Porn Misleading Men?” (Knowingless, May 27, 2023) — The original survey write-up, with every chart and Aella’s own caveats. All figures on this page come from it.
- Aella — raw average scores (Google Sheets) — The per-act averages published alongside the post.
Next step
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